Reporters, company bigwigs, and bored townsfolk alike have gathered inside a middle school gymnasium. The press conference was scheduled to start at 7 pm, but it's now 7:23 and the stage curtains are still drawn shut (talk about a power move). While most are fidgeting in their seats a few stand just outside the doors munching on the complimentary donuts.
An unkempt, yet strikingly handsome, man sits backstage going over his notes. He looks down yet again at his watch, and after one final deep breath he gets up and makes his way to the stage.
*ruffles papers and adjusts the microphone*
Hello everyone and thank you for coming tonight.
Those standing just outside the gymnasium quickly rush back to their seats.
My name is Austin Fontanella, or Lewis, and as you probably know I am one half of Not Quite LC. I've called you all here tonight to address the most frequently asked question and subsequent response we've gotten thus far. That would be, 'Where are you guys?' The answer to that is Minnesota and it will stay that way for at least another week.
A collective eye roll is shared by the room.
I know that's not the exciting announcement you probably wanted, but you have to understand the nature of the trip. To make it out of Minnesota one must first travel over 527 river miles. I emphasize RIVER miles because the Mississippi River has more twist and turns than a bad horror movie.
*pauses for laughter that never comes.*
To put things into perspective that's nearly twice as long as the Grand Canyon (277 miles), and almost one fourth of the Oregon Trail (2,170 miles).
Upon learning this I hope you can understand why I proudly explain, Yes we’re sill in Minnesota. And no I'm not ashamed by that.
That's all for today, thank you for coming, and I will not be answering any questions.
Austin quickly steps down from the stage, and while the crowd is clearly voicing their displeasures with his statements, all he hears is the nonexistent applause he expected to receive.